How do I handle toddler tantrums?
Stay close and calm, name the feeling, and hold the limit without a lecture. Tantrums are normal: in a US study of 1,490 preschoolers, 83.7% had them sometimes and only 8.6% every day. A toddler's brain can't put on its own brakes yet, so your calm does that job for now, and she learns by borrowing it.
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Why toddlers have tantrums
Your 2-year-old asked for the blue cup. You gave her the blue cup. Now the blue cup is wrong and she is face-down on the kitchen floor. Nothing has gone wrong with your child, or with you.
The part of the brain behind the forehead, the prefrontal cortex, runs planning, waiting and "stop." Researchers call these skills executive functions. The prefrontal cortex is one of the last parts of the brain to mature, and the brain keeps maturing into the mid-to-late 20s. Simple self-control is there early in the preschool years and grows a lot through the second half of that stretch.
So a toddler has a full gas pedal of feeling and almost no brakes. That is why toddlers need co-regulation before self-regulation. When you stay calm next to an upset child, your steady voice, slow breathing and gentle touch do the job her own brain can't do yet. Over hundreds of repeats, she borrows your calm, then copies it, then owns it.
Step by step
- Get low and stay closeKneel or sit near your child so she can see your calm face. Few words, slow breathing.
- Keep everyone safeGently block hitting or throwing, or calmly move her away from the trouble. Say, "I won't let you hit."
- Name the feeling oncePut her feeling into a word: "You're mad. You wanted the blue cup." Then stop talking.
- Wait out the stormDon't lecture or argue while she is flooded. Stay nearby and let the wave pass.
- Reconnect, then teachWhen she calms, offer a hug first, then one short teaching line, like "Next time say 'Mine!'"
Normal tantrums, and the kind to check
In a US study of 1,490 preschoolers, 83.7% had tantrums sometimes. Only 8.6% had them every day. The expected kind came from frustration at predictable moments, like bedtime or hearing "no." The worrying kind was unpredictable, very long or destructive.
| Usually part of normal toddlerhood | Worth raising with your pediatrician |
|---|---|
| Meltdowns at tired, hungry or "no" moments | Tantrums every day |
| Calms with your help and goes back to play | Tantrums that often involve hurting people or breaking things |
| Has a reason you can usually guess | Tantrums that come out of nowhere or go on for a very long time |
| Words are growing | Few words by age 2 |
Words matter here. In a Northwestern University survey of nearly 2,000 US toddlers, "late talkers" (fewer than 50 words, or not combining words by age 2) were about twice as likely to have severe tantrums as toddlers with typical language. It was a one-time parent survey, so it can't prove cause. Still, a child who can say "I want the blue one" has less reason to scream it. Our page on how to get your toddler talking has ways to grow those words.
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What to do during the tantrum
Keep your voice low and slow. Say less than you think you need to.
- Get low and stay close. Kneel or sit nearby. Let her see your calm face.
- Keep everyone safe. Gently block hitting or move her away from the trouble.
- Name the feeling once. "You're mad. You wanted the blue cup."
- Wait. Don't lecture mid-storm. A brain flooded with alarm can't learn a lesson.
- Reconnect, then teach. When the storm passes, a hug first, then one short line: "Hitting hurts. Next time say 'Mine!'"
Naming feelings has some brain research behind it. At UCLA, 30 adults in a brain scanner looked at photos of angry or scared faces. When they picked a feeling word for the face, activity in the amygdala, the brain's alarm center, dropped. When they picked a name like "Harry," it didn't. That study was in adults, not toddlers, but a feeling word gives a child's brain a handle to grab.
Toddlers have very few feeling words, so lend them yours: mad, scary, disappointed, jealous, frustrated. Name the body clues too: "Your fists are tight. Your face is hot. That's what mad feels like."
Many parents use a calm-down spot for this, with you sitting beside her. That is called a time-in, and our page on time-out vs. time-in explains how it compares with time-out.
What to say: scripts for common meltdowns
| Moment | Say | Do |
|---|---|---|
| The wrong cup, or the broken banana | "You wanted it whole. Now it's broken. That's so disappointing." | Get low. Don't fix it or argue. Offer a hug. Wait. Then: "Want to eat the pieces or have an apple?" |
| Leaving the park | (5 minutes before) "Two more slides, then we go." (Then) "You love it here. You can be sad and we're still going." | Count the slides together. Carry her calmly if needed. Give her a job: "Can you carry the keys?" |
| Meltdown in the store | "You really want that. I'm not buying it today. I'm right here." | Move somewhere quieter. Ignore the onlookers. Leave the cart if you must. It's one shopping trip. |
| "NO!" to the car seat | "The car seat keeps you safe, so it's not a choice. Do you want to climb in or should I lift you?" | Give her the choice of how, never whether. |
All feelings are allowed. Not all behavior is. "You're so angry you want to throw the truck. I won't let you throw it at the window. You can throw this soft ball into the basket."
How to have fewer tantrums
The psychologist John Gottman described a style he called emotion coaching, in five steps: notice your child's emotion while it's still small; see it as a chance to connect; listen and accept the feeling; help her name it; then, and only then, help her solve the problem. His family studies were correlational. Later, a randomized trial in Melbourne, Australia, gave 216 parents of 4- and 5-year-olds a six-session emotion-coaching course. Their children understood emotions better, and parents and teachers reported fewer behavior problems six months later.
Three everyday tools also cut the number of battles:
- Two choices, both fine with you. "Red shirt or striped shirt?" Never offer a choice you can't accept, like "Do you want to leave?"
- Routines. Toddlers fight less about what happens the same way every day. Photos of her bedtime routine on the wall let her "check the chart" instead of hearing you nag.
- When/then. "When your shoes are on, then we go outside." No bribe needed.
Small real jobs, like pouring from a tiny jug or wiping the table, feed her need for control so it doesn't come out as a fight. Set your limits before the hard moment, keep them short and follow through.
What doesn't help
Lecturing during the storm. Save the teaching for after the hug.
Hitting. A review of research on 160,927 children linked spanking to worse outcomes on 13 of 17 measures and to better outcomes on none. Our page on spanking and the developing brain covers the evidence.
Fearing you'll spoil her. Comforting a crying toddler doesn't teach her to cry. Children whose caregivers reliably respond tend to be the securely attached ones. And responding doesn't mean giving in: you can comfort a child who is sad about the cookie and still not hand over the cookie.
Expecting perfection from yourself. You will lose your temper sometimes. Everybody does. What matters next is the repair, which takes under a minute. See what to do after you yell.
Do this
- Name one feeling out loud for your child every day this week, including happy ones.
- Pick a calm-down spot with a cushion and two books, and visit it together when everyone is calm.
- Write your three biggest limits as "I won't let you…" sentences.
- Offer two choices at the three hardest moments of your day, like dressing, leaving and bath.
- Make a photo bedtime routine and stick it on the wall at your child's eye level.
When to ask your doctor
Check with your doctor or midwife first if…
- Your child has tantrums every day: bring it up with your pediatrician
- Tantrums often involve hurting people or breaking things
- Tantrums come out of nowhere or go on for a very long time
- Your child has few words by age 2 (ask about a hearing check too)
Call your doctor now if…
- Your child loses words or skills she already had
- You have thoughts of harming yourself or your child: call 911 or the 988 Lifeline now
This page is general information, not medical advice. Every pregnancy and every child is different. Ask your doctor, midwife or pediatrician before changing supplements, diet or care.
Grow a Genius
In the book: Chapter 21: Toddler Psychology
The chapter walks you through emotion coaching step by step, gives you exact words for six common meltdowns, and ends with a 1-minute self-check so you can see what's working.
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People also ask
Are my toddler's tantrums my fault?
Almost certainly not. In a US study of 1,490 preschoolers, 83.7% had tantrums sometimes. Tantrums come from a brain whose self-control wiring is still being built, not from bad parenting. What you can shape is how the storm ends: staying close, naming the feeling and holding the limit calmly teaches her, over many repeats, to calm herself.
Should I ignore a tantrum or walk away?
Stay close instead. A toddler can't calm herself down alone yet, and your calm is the thing she borrows. That doesn't mean talking a lot or giving in. Sit nearby, say very little, name the feeling once and wait. Step away for a few slow breaths only if you need to calm yourself and she is safe.
Does comforting a tantrum reward it?
Attachment research points the other way. Children whose caregivers reliably respond tend to be securely attached, and they explore more confidently. Comfort and limits work together: you can hug a child who is sad about the cookie and still not hand over the cookie. The feeling is welcome; the demand doesn't change.
Do late talkers have more tantrums?
In a Northwestern University survey of nearly 2,000 US toddlers, late talkers (fewer than 50 words, or not combining words by age 2) were about twice as likely to have severe tantrums. It was a one-time survey, so it can't prove cause. If your 2-year-old has few words, mention it to your pediatrician and ask about a hearing check.