Is saying "good job" bad, and how should I praise my child?

Is "good job" bad?

No. You don't need to stop saying "good job." Just let it lead to something specific more often: "Good job! You put all the blocks back in the box."

The research on praise points to a simple rule. Praise what your child does (effort, strategy, practice, choices) rather than what she is (smart, clever, a natural). Keep it honest and specific. And for kindness, there's a twist, covered below.

Step by step

1. Notice what she didBefore you speak, look at the effort, strategy or choice behind the result.
2. Describe it specificallySay exactly what you saw: "You kept trying the zipper until it worked."
3. Keep it believableSkip superlatives like "best ever." Calm, honest praise works better, especially for anxious kids.
4. Ask instead of judgingOften a question beats praise: "Tell me about this part" or "How did you figure that out?"

The experiment that changed how we praise

In 1998, the psychologists Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck ran six studies with fifth graders. Children worked on problems, then were praised either for being smart or for working hard. Then everyone hit a much harder set and failed.

The "smart" children cared more about looking good than learning. After the failure, they persisted less, enjoyed the task less, blamed their own ability more and performed worse. Children praised for effort held up better on every count.

Why would a compliment hurt? If "smart" is what earns praise, a hard problem is a threat. Failing means maybe you aren't smart after all. If "you worked hard" earns praise, a hard problem is just more work. These were short lab studies with older children. They show what praise does in the moment, not over years.

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It starts in the toddler years

A team at the University of Chicago and Temple University filmed 53 families during ordinary moments at home when the children were 1, 2 and 3. They sorted praise into process praise ("You worked hard on that"), person praise ("You're so smart") and other praise.

When the children were 7 to 8, those whose parents had used a bigger share of process praise were more likely to prefer challenging tasks, came up with more ways to overcome setbacks, and were more likely to believe intelligence can grow with effort. The total amount of praise made no difference. The type did. It was observational, so it shows a link, not proof.

Even one word can matter. In a 2007 study, 4-year-olds who heard "You are a good drawer" reacted more helplessly to later criticism than children who heard "You did a good job drawing." Same kind words, one switch from noun to verb.

Specific beats big

In the Netherlands, researchers found that adults give more over-the-top praise ("You made an incredibly beautiful drawing!") to children with low self-esteem, the ones they most want to lift up. Then 240 children aged 8 to 12 copied a van Gogh painting and got inflated praise, plain praise or none. Children with low self-esteem who heard the inflated version chose easier pictures to draw next. The researchers suggest gushing sets a bar a shaky child is afraid to miss.

The children were older, but the lesson likely carries over to ages 3 to 6. For an anxious child, the kind thing is calm, specific, believable praise:

• "You used every color in the box" beats "Amazing!"
• "You kept trying the zipper until it worked" beats "You're so clever!"
• "Tell me about this part" beats "Best picture ever!"

Questions often beat praise altogether. "I wonder what would happen if we added more water?" keeps the conversation going, and back-and-forth talk is linked to stronger language skills.

What about growth mindset?

Growth mindset, the belief that abilities grow with effort, became a huge industry. The best evidence is humbler. Two large 2018 reviews covering more than 365,000 students found weak links between mindset and school results, and weak effects from mindset programs. A 2023 review of 63 studies found an average effect close to zero after correcting for publication bias.

So don't expect a phrase to raise test scores. Praise the process for a simpler reason: it's true. Effort, strategy and practice are what your child actually controls, and lab studies show this kind of praise helps children keep going after a setback.

How you react to mistakes matters too. At Stanford, parents who treated failure as harmful had children more likely to believe intelligence is fixed. React to the fallen tower with curiosity: "Huh. What happened there? What could we try?"

The swap table

Kindness gets a different kind of praise

For skills, describe the action. For kindness, invite the identity. In a UC San Diego study, children aged 3 to 6 who heard "Some children choose to be helpers" helped more than children who heard "Some children choose to help." It was a single session, so treat it as promising. "Can you be a helper and hold the door?" is easy to try.

Skip paying for kindness. In a 2008 study, 20-month-olds who got material rewards for helping later helped less. More on this in teaching toddlers empathy and kindness and chores for 2- and 3-year-olds. For keeping at hard tasks, see building self-control and focus.

Go deeper

Grow a Genius

In the book: Chapter 24: Praise That Builds, Praise That Backfires

The chapter has the full swap table, the "Batman effect" trick for sticking with hard things, "mistake of the day," and the honest story of what growth mindset can and can't do.

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