How do I teach my toddler empathy and kindness?
Build on what's already there: toddlers are natural helpers. Name your child's feelings so she learns the words, point out feelings in other people and in picture books, and give her real chances to help. Thank the helping specifically, invite her to "be a helper," and skip stickers for kindness, which can crowd out the urge to help.
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Toddlers start out kinder than their reputation
At the Max Planck Institute in Leipzig, Germany, a researcher "accidentally" dropped a clothes peg in front of 18-month-olds and reached for it without asking for help. Nearly every child helped at least once, and in 84% of cases within 10 seconds, before he even looked at them. Nobody thanked or rewarded them. When he threw the peg down on purpose, they left it. Even at 18 months, they were reading what he wanted.
In a Canadian study, toddlers under 2 looked happier giving a treat to a puppet than getting one, and happiest when they gave away their own treat.
So you're not starting from zero. Your job is mostly to protect that urge and give it room, while her brain slowly builds the self-control to act on it when she's tired, frustrated or holding the toy everyone wants.
Empathy starts with feeling understood
A child learns to name other people's feelings after hearing her own named, over and over. Toddlers have very few feeling words, so lend her yours:
- "You're frustrated. The tower keeps falling."
- "That was scary. The dog barked so loud."
- "You're so proud of that tower!"
When she's upset, a warm, steady response teaches her what comfort looks like from the inside. Attachment research links reliable, sensitive care to secure attachment, and large reviews link secure attachment to somewhat better social skills later. The effect is real but modest. And responding to her doesn't spoil her: you can comfort a child who is sad about the cookie and still not hand over the cookie.
For more on coaching her through big feelings, see how to handle toddler tantrums.
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Point out feelings in other people
Once she knows a few feeling words, turn them outward. Point out feelings in people and in picture books:
- "That boy dropped his ice cream. What could help?"
- "How do you think she felt when the dog knocked her over?"
- "Grandpa looks tired. Should we bring him his slippers?"
Picture books are perfect for this, because you can pause on a face and wonder together. Pretend play works too. "Teddy is sad. Why do you think he's sad?" asks her to imagine a mind that isn't hers. Our page on why pretend play matters explains why your part in the game may be what counts most.
By about age 2, the CDC milestone list includes noticing when someone is hurt or upset. If your 2-year-old doesn't seem to notice at all, mention it at the next checkup. Most children who miss one milestone are fine, but asking costs nothing.
Thank the helping and invite "be a helper"
Give her real chances to help: carry the napkins, find the keys, hand you a diaper for the baby. Then name the helping when you thank her: "You brought Grandpa his slippers. That was kind." Children learn what you value by what you comment on, so notice kindness out loud more than you notice achievement.
Word choice may matter too. In a UC San Diego study, about 150 children aged 3 to 6 heard an adult say either "Some children choose to help" or "Some children choose to be helpers." Children who heard "be helpers" helped significantly more. It was a single session, so treat it as promising. Try "Can you be a helper and hold the door?"
Real household jobs build the same muscle. Our list of chores for 2- and 3-year-olds has easy starters.
Skip the sticker chart for kindness
In a 2008 study, 20-month-olds who helped an adult got a material reward, praise, or nothing. Later, the toddlers who'd been getting rewards helped less than the ones who got praise or nothing. Helping seems to come from inside, and paying for it can crowd that out.
So swap the reward for a reflection: instead of "If you share, you get a sticker," try "You shared your truck. Look how happy he is." That points her attention at the other child's face, which is where empathy lives.
Moving together seems to help as well. At McMaster University in Canada, 14-month-olds who were bounced to music in time with an adult were more likely to hand back things the adult "accidentally" dropped. Dancing and singing together may make a toddler feel on the same team.
When your toddler isn't kind (yet)
Grabbing, hitting and refusing to share are normal at 2. Her brain has a full gas pedal of wanting and almost no brakes. Kindness grows the way language does: through daily practice with someone who cares.
- Stop the hurt calmly. "I won't let you hit. Hitting hurts." Check on the hurt child first.
- Make repair normal. A forced "Say sorry!" teaches less than helping her notice the other child: "He's crying. What could help him feel better?"
- Model it. Hold doors. Thank the bus driver. Say sorry to her when you get it wrong. Children copy what they see.
It's worth the patience. In a US study that followed 753 children from kindergarten to about age 25, higher teacher ratings for cooperating, sharing and helping were linked to better odds of finishing high school on time and earning a college degree. That was correlational, but it suggests these skills matter for life.
Do this
- Name one feeling out loud for your child every day, including happy ones.
- Pause on a face in a picture book each night and ask, "How do you think she feels?"
- Invite with the noun at three moments this week: "Can you be a helper?"
- Thank kindness specifically: "You gave him the bigger piece. That was generous."
- Retire any sticker chart that pays for sharing or kindness.
Grow a Genius
In the book: Chapter 24: Praise That Builds, Praise That Backfires
The book pairs this chapter with Chapter 21 to show how toddler helping grows into lasting kindness, with a swap table of exact phrases to use instead of rewards and "Say sorry!"
- The 7 Genius Builders, stage by stage
- 16 printable guides, including the Prenatal Label Decoder
- Built on 500+ sources from 35+ countries
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People also ask
At what age do toddlers show empathy?
Early. In a Max Planck Institute study, 18-month-olds helped an adult who dropped something, usually within seconds and without being asked. By about age 2, the CDC milestone list includes noticing when someone is hurt or upset. Acting kindly when tired or frustrated takes longer, because self-control is still being built.
Should I make my toddler say sorry?
A forced "Say sorry!" teaches less than helping her notice the other child. Try: "He's crying. What could help him feel better?" She might offer a toy, a pat or a hug. Model real apologies yourself, including to her. The words will come once she understands what they're for.
Is my toddler selfish if she won't share?
No. Refusing to share is normal at 2, when wanting is strong and the brakes are weak. Studies show toddlers are also natural helpers. Name both sides ("You really want it. He wants a turn too"), use a timer for turns, and notice sharing out loud when it happens.
Do rewards help teach kindness?
They can backfire. In a 2008 study, 20-month-olds who got material rewards for helping later helped less than toddlers who got praise or nothing. Thank your child warmly and specifically, and point to the other person's reaction: "Look how happy he is."